My mourning process

...This topic is one of the main reasons I have stopped blogging the past few months.  I don't really know where to begin, so here goes nothing.  As many of you know I lost my sister, my other part of my brain (we used to say we shared a brain in high school), my sorority sister, my maid of honor, my dog god mother, MY VERY BEST FRIEND in December 2011 one day after her 29th birthday.  I know that by expressing my feelings on here will aid in my grieving process.  The big turning point after this happened was when I posted for the first time on facebook in January.  I know that seems silly, but it did really help me move forward.  I was able to get out my frustrations and anger about the whole situation and have a big cry and move forward.  That night after I did that Mica came to me in a dream where we just sat on a bed and hugged each other bawling our eyes out and her telling me how sorry she was, but that she was finally happy in heaven.  Mica took her own life December 16, 2011.

Mica Lynn Breeden Martin was the perfect example of Beautiful Inside and Out!! She had battled with depression for years.  I had no idea how bad and dark things had gotten the last few months before she was tired of fighting it.  After it happened I did realize things that had been different over the last few months, but at the time I thought was just her being stressed with planning a wedding.  Mental disorders have always been something that I have had a hard time understanding because God blessed me with such an optimistic and positive spirit.  This awful situation has opened my eyes at how serious and hard mental disorders are for people.  It has also taught me how doctors, so poorly manage medications they prescribe.  Mica sought help in many ways and honestly I believe her doctor aided in her death.  Mica knew how lucky she was and fought a hard fight to beat this, but depression won this battle.  I hope to one day be able to help pass a bill that puts stricter regulations on doctors management of psych drugs.  When you prescribe people medicine with side effects such as suicide it needs to be taken seriously!!

This is the hardest death I have ever experienced.  I have definitely been going through the stages of grief.  Shock & Denial, Pain/Guilt, Anger, and now I feel like I am at the reflection stage.  I don't know that I am depressed, but here lately I am constantly thinking of memories and wondering how I have to live the rest of my life without her.  She was supposed to be here.  I do smile thinking of the day I do walk through the gates of heaven and she is standing there.  Mac is the one who saved me from laying in bed all day those first few weeks.  When you have a baby you don't have time to do that and at your saddest moment in life they will still find a way to make you smile.  After Mac was born Mica recorded herself reading him a book.  He will always know how special she was to me.  She loved him so much.  His middle name is Raylynn and the Lynn part was after Mica and my daddy.  I know Mac and I have the most beautiful angel in all of heaven looking after us.

 

This is a great shot of typical Mica and Mari

Mica's family is my family too.  Going home to her funeral was TERRIBLE.  It was not supposed to be this way.  I was totally in denial/shock.  I wanted to stay in Texas and make it all go away.  I knew I should have gone and seen her parents and Brian prior to the service, but I just couldn't because it was just nuts that 3 months prior to this I was standing beside her on her wedding day.  The pain I have felt I know does not even compare to what they have been through.  We all know that this was not our Mica that did this.  Mica was the most thoughtful and caring person.  She loved her husband, family, friends, and dogs more than anything.  Mica is Christian and would seek his guidance daily.  I know where she is and we will be together again.  This gives me the most comfort and knowing that she is no longer in pain.

 High School-Sophomore Year

Mica, life will never be the same for me.  I am so thankful that I was blessed to have been a part of your life for so many years.  They were the best times of my life.  I remember before we were friends thinking you were the prettiest and coolest person ever.  I believe our first trip together was in the 5th grade to Shiloh.  We planned to pick a Looney Toon Character and dress head to toe in it. hahaha DORKS.  The slumber parties, blow up backpacks, matching outfits all through high school and then it finally stopped in college when we realized it was NOT cool, our night with Justin Timberlake, concerts, Nashville, Memphis, my engagement night, my wedding day, meeting your soul mate, my surprise pregnancy, you meeting Mac for the first time, your wedding day, and so many more (some I couldn't mention) lol were all things I will NEVER EVER forget.  I love and miss you everyday and always will.  You have changed my life in so many ways and I hope to make you proud up there.  Until we meet again my sister "Fly High"

 

"My Beautiful Angel"

Thank you to EVERYONE who prayed for me during this time.  I will be ok, but please continue to pray for her family and husband.